Causes of shyness and lack of confidence

It's generally believed that confidence give man more advantage than money because women are turn on by men's sense of security (i.e confidence) and turn off by their weaknesses (= lack of confidence, insecurity or shyness). Confidence in men is attractive to women the way physical beauty in women is attractive to men. And lack of self-confidence, insecurity or shyness in men is a turn off to women the way woman ugly face turns men off.

If shyness, insecurity and lack of self-confidence in men are negative traits then how comes some men develop them and have trouble to overcome them no matter how you persuade them?

Causes of Shyness and lack of confidence

1. Being always put down by parents or caregivers: If a child being put down always or calling him with resentful names such as "retard" or "dumb", such Name-calling can negatively affect his self-worth by making him believes something is wrong with him. Similarly a child who is always emotionally put down will learn to be reluctant to try something new. The self-doubt he acquired over the years will make him belief he's not competent like everybody.
2. Law of effect: Law of effect in psychology indicates behaviour is likely to be repeated if there is desirable outcomes, but behaviour is unlikely to be repeated if there is undesirable outcomes. For example if parents always prevent their child from doing something he will not attempt to do it again based on the belief that doing it deviate social norm, and from there he will grow up with lack of confidence.
   
   If parents prevent their child to interact with other kids and always recommend him to stay alone, he will grow up with lack of motivation to hang out with people and adopt solitary life eventually.
3. Classical conditioning:
classical conditioning is learning by association that happens unconsciously. For example if you utter some sound and then give dog or chicken foods, they will become accustomed to that sound. Salivating if they hear that sound will become their habit even if food aren't provide now. Children too learn the same way. For example at young age when you attempt to talk but your parents shut: "keep quiet!" chances are you will hold the belief that people will always shut at you if talk and then being quiet (= being shy) around people will become your habit even if people are not going to shut at you for talking.

If at young age people laugh at you when you talk and this makes you feel bad, you will then stop talking around people because you will associate talking to people with being ridicule even if people aren't mean to you.
4. Parental Favoritism: If you show favouritism among your children, the least favorite child will grow up with the belief that something is wrong with him that's why his parents dislike him, so someone will be preferred over him wherever he go and this will make him develop shyness overtime.
5. Having a shy parent: Shyness may also be a learned behaviour, a child learn by imitation and if your parents are shy you are likely to grow up as shy too.
6. Lack of awareness: The overall reasons of being shy around people is lack of self-awareness, because shy people believed something is wrong with them, they assume everybody think so.

They have trouble to overcome them because being confident is hurtful:

If you are shy without friends and social life there is a chance you have been misunderstood and stereotyped as someone who has problems or even mental illness throughout your life. People can only show you empathy if they share your feelings. Example, Someone who never experienced financial loss will never know how does it feel to lost your wealth, this person cannot understand why someone who lost his wealth behave in a certain way. likewise someone who is confident and assertive will never understand how does it feel to be shy. Because most people don't know how shyness developed, they will always ask you to be confident or don't be shy without telling you how to be confident or overcome the shyness.

Why people are shy or anxious around people?

1. Because they don't know how to act around people: if you're unsure of what to say or how to act around unfamiliar situations you will feel shy for fear of saying the wrong thing, act strangely or do something that will make you feel embarrassed.
2. Classic conditioning:
Classic conditioning is learning by association that happens unconsciously, for example if you are mean to animals such as pigeon, they will learn to associate seeing you with torture and this will make them frightened whenever they see you. Children too learn the same way. If you're a victim of bullying in childhood, your subconscious mind will never forget the faces, voices and body languages of those who hurt you. Now whenever you see people who looks like them you will be nervous around them because our subconscious mind assumes people who look the same behave the same. That's why they will look intimidating to you and you will be nervous around them
3. You will be nervous around certain people because you feel they have something special that you lack, this make you feel inferior and think they are better than you.
4. Fear of rejection: Because a shy person believes he's incompetent, he may feel shy around certain people for fear of being look down or ridicule.

Why logic alone can't motivate someone to be confident

Early childhood experiences is where people belief about life start to develop. An inexperienced children will have no problem touching ember or bare electric wires but after they experienced the pain of touching them, it will now become their habit to not touch them again. Based on classic conditioning theory they will formed the belief that touching ember or electric wires with their bare hands can only make them feel pains. Likewise, this is exactly what non-confident person feel if he try to be confident when life circumstances make him lost self-confidence in childhood.

Examples

1. If at young age your parents shout at you if you want to speak up and this result in your lack of confidence, even now in your adulthood if you try to be confident you will feel as if others will shout at you or ridicule you because your brain learned to associate being confident with feeling pain.
2. If at young age people laugh at you for speaking up and this result in your lack of confidence even now in your adulthood your may be hesitate to speak in public because your brain will feel as if people will laugh at you for making public speaking.
3. If at young age children bullied you and this result in your lack of self-esteem and loneliness, even now in your adulthood you may be reluctant to make friends or hang out with people based on the belief that they will bully you.

Most people with shyness, or social anxiety know their thoughts are irrational but they feel powerless to overcome them. So reaffirming them using logic is pointless as they already know their problems.
Now how will you feel if for example someone ask you to enter fire or touch electric wire? I know you will be terrified possibly with body trembling. This is the same feeling a shy person feel if you ask him to be confident for example to ask him to go and ask a girl out

This paper was written to let you know how people develop shyness, you should consult therapist for help concerning how to overcome shyness